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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
The Cereal Consultant

Scene opens with a man stepping up to a podium. To the left of the podium is a flipchart.

Snelling: Hello and welcome to the conference. My name is John Snelling from Snelling and Snelling Restaurant Consultants. Since the merger of the United Meat Council and the Cereal Board organizations, your newly combined organization has been looking for ways to cut marketing costs by joint advertising ventures. We at Snelling and Snelling have found a man. One man whose warped mind may just... barely... be up to the task. I give to you todays presenter of your new marketing campaign: Mr. Salvadore Minella.

Minella: Please. Call me Sal.

Snelling: All right. Ladies and Gentlemen, youve asked for quality in food, I give you Sal Minella.

(Snelling walks over to the easel and stands aside it)

Minella: The problem, of course is how to advertise cereal and meat in the same television commercials. Our answer is very simple: put the meat in the cereal. How do you do this? How about adding a little bit of poultry to a popular wheat cereal and you have...
(Snelling flips the chart)
Shredded Tweet. If you prefer poultry with a bit more sugar in your cereal, how about...
(Snelling flips the chart)
Captain Crunchy Chicken. Or how about a hot cereal with an under-marketed meat...
(Snelling gags slightly and flips the chart once more)
Goatmeal. Or maybe...
(Snelling pulls out a paper bag, inflates it and flips the chart once more)
Mutton Honey. Or for the athlete...
(Snelling turns his back to the audience and doubles over as he flips the chart again)
Tweeties. Breakfast of Champions? Or how about the smoke cured breakfast cereal...
(Snelling runs off stage. Minella turns the page himself)
Golden GraHAMS. Like venison with your oats? Try...
(Snelling returns, stands in front of the chart, flips the page, puts his hand over his mouth, and dashes off again.)
Cheery-does. Or mix granola with another venision and you have...
(Snelling runs by, flips the chart and retches as he exits the other side of the stage)
Mooselix.
Snelling: (pushing Minella out of the way) And that concludes todays presentation.

Minella: I have more...

Snelling: As I said. That CONCLUDES todays presentation.
(Composing himself) What say we break for lunch?

(Lights)