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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
New Medicines

St. Mom's Wort::
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen:
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait until they moved out.

Peptobimbo:
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol:
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q, causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor:
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics:
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin:
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra:
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-All when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin:
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident:
Spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin:
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

and the best of all.............

Damitol:
Take 2 tablets and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.