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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
National Duct Tape Council

Scene opens with well-dressed person standing center stage, a poster of a roll of duct tape on the wall behind, obviously held up with duct tape.

Announcer: And now, a word from our sponsor: the National Duct Tape Council.

Speaker: These days, its hard to make ends meet. Those who are most successful, make the ends meet with duct tape. Yes, duct tape: your all-purpose tool for over a quarter of a century. Whether your task is to hold that old bumper on until just after inspection, cover the broken window until spring or mend the extension cord you ran over with the lawn mower, duct tape is the answer.

Youll be happy to know that the National Duct Tape Council is working on even newer products to make your life safer and more convenient.

Our NASA duct tape has kept the lenses securely in place on the Hubbell and the MIR airtight until it safely burns up upon re-entry. Ever wonder why you havent seen any more newspaper articles about engines dropping off of airliners? (Pause and smile) Thats right: duct tape!

A full line of medical duct tape has helped to keep NFL linemen in the game despite broken legs and other life-threatening injuries. Duct tape is also used to fix heart-lung machines in medical centers throughout the US until the HMOs pay their bills.

Even this very show is kept on the air using duct tape. Why just before the first act, technicians encountered a potentially dangerous problem which was solved using...

(A crackling sound is heard and the lights go out)

Announcer: This message was brought to you by the National Duct Tape Council.