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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
The Bank Merger

The scene opens at a bank office. A police officer stands in the
corner. A bank customer approaches the teller, who is standing
behind a counter.

Teller1: Welcome to the First Community Bank. How may I help

Customer: I have a mortgage with your bank and Id like to make
a payment. Im afraid that today is the due date for
the payment, so I wanted to make the payment in

Teller1: Im afraid that you have made out this check to First
Community Bank. We are now State West Bank and Trust.

Customer: But you said that this was First Community Bank

Teller1: We just merged. In the fast-paced world of banking,
mergers do happen. We at the Western New England
Savings Bank are always looking for better ways to
serve our customers by forging strategic alliances.

Customer: Did you say, Western New England Savings Bank?

Teller1: Another merger. But dont worry, New England Trust
will be glad to accept payments for First Community
Bank mortgages. Processing will be completed in just
24 hours.

Customer: Did you say, New England Trust? And 24 hours? But
that make my payment late and incur a late charge.

Teller1: You could use our handy 24-hour ATM machine.
Transactions posted in the next (looks at his watch)
five minutes will be posted in this days business.

(Customer runs off-stage and runs back on stage again. During
this five seconds, Teller1 disappears and Teller2 appears)

Customer: The atm tells me that there will be a processing fee
because I am not a member of Yankee Sleet Bank. What
is... Who are you?

Teller2: Welcome to Yankee Sleet/Shawnut. How may I help you.

Customer: What happened to the other teller? Hands the new
teller a deposit slip and check.

Teller2: Merger. (Looks at check) Oh, Im sorry. I can take
this payment, but there will be a late charge and a
small processing fee.

Customer: But I was just in here to make an on-time payment and
your bank merged before the teller would take the

Teller2: Thats too bad. With that type of service, I can see
why you wanted to come to East Coast Bank.

Customer: Who is East Coast Bank?

Teller2: We are.

Customer: Dont tell me....

Both: Another merger.

Customer: So how about my mortgage payment?

Teller2: You really should have made this payment on time. All
overdue payments must now be submitted to our claims
office in Fuqua Varina, North Carolina.

Customer: North Carolina? But thats.... (composing
him/herself) Never mind. Whats the address.

Teller2: They no longer accept payment by mail, but there is a
convenient drive-up window which is open Mondays and
Fridays from 11:00 to 11:05am on State Street in Fuqua

Customer: You want me to drive to Fuqua Varina, North Carolina
to wait in line to make my mortgage payment that I
came here to make?!?

Teller2: No. I want you to drive to Oxford, England. We are
now the Olde Towne Mercantile Bank.

Customer: Arrrgh!

Teller1: (enters and taps customer on the shoulder)

Customer: What? You again? What do you want?

Teller1: I am with the Old Towne Mercantile Bank reposession
and foreclosure division. Im afraid that you havent
made a single payment to four, no five, no six banks.
Make that seven, eight, nine....

Customer: Lemme outta here (runs off stage)

Teller1&2: (points to a policeman) Officer, stop that deadbeat!