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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
Horrible Puns


HERE ARE THE WARM-UP PUNS



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(I can't be responsible if you go directly to the end of the page...)



A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Apparently a teacher has been arrested in the UK in possession of compasses, protractor, and straight edge. It is claimed he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption.One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished She also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the money. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, but the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't Close their shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving (are you ready for this?!) that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.



Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.



OKAY. ARE YOU READY?? HERE IS A SKIT I WROTE AND PERFORMED SOME YEARS AGO. 72 CONSECUTIVE PUNS ON ONE SUBMECT. TAKE A DEEP BREATH, 'CAUSE HERE GOES...



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The stage is dark, except for a single spotlight over a lamp-post. A piano is heard, softly playing lounge music. A man walks on stage wearing a trenchcoat and a fedora.



Announcer: And now... Bad Pun Theater.



(The man in the trenchcoat speaks in a Sam Spade voice.)



My name is Forrest Woodward



I'm a gumshoe



My place isn't much, but its a locust alternative to being downtown.



I was sprucing up my office, pining for some action



I was feeling good. I was bushed the previous night and had slept like a log, so now I was in a cherry mood.



I was bored sitting around the office, so I thought I'd take a walk with my dog Holly...

on the board-walk

down by the beech.

over to the branch bank

and post office

maybe shop for a new tie at a-corn-er store

the kind of walk any dog would love.



That trip was knot what I'd expected



I saw some people milling around the the alley and thought I'd get to the root of the matter.



As I moved closer, I saw a couple of saps beating up on a girl.



She was a rail dowel. A Peach. Absolutely deciduous.



It was a couple members of the local irish gang, "Tam O'Rack", his moll, "Clare O'Phyll", and some thug named Herb (obviously a plant from another gang).



Well, their kind goes against my grain, so I said, "Pack your trunks and leaf her alone. Who do you think you are, Spruce Lee?"



I braced for a fight.



I nailed him with an upper-cut as he lumbered towards me.



He was really aspen for it.



The big stud got me in a hemlock and hit me with a chop on my neck, but I shrubbed it off.



One of them grabbed for his gun. I said, "Butternut do that."



But it was too late as holly stumped the attacker.



He yelled, "son of a birch" as he went down



Just to teach him a lesson, I yelled, "Sycamore"



Holly barked her approval.



From then on, I was apple to do whatever I wanted.



I didn't stop until I had beat them all to a pulp... varnished them off.



After all, my dad was a fighter, so I'm of good timber



I could cedar cops finally coming down the alley, and one of the punks yelled, "I'll sue, mac!"



I retorted, "you'll soon be in a cell--you lose. I don't mean to leaf you in the larch, but I know you won't arbor a grudge."



I walked up to her and said, "What's your name?"



Her face was beaming as she said, "Maple Douglas"



I could see she was wearing a fir.



I recognized that look at once, being the poplar guy I am



She told me that I reminded her of Robert Redwood, but I've heard that pitch before, so walnut get into that.



She said, "Say, you're Forrest Woodward, the PI! I can sequoia have such a reputation"



I said, "Orange you going to ask me up to my place?"



She said, "wooden you like to know?", giving me the brush-off.



But you can imagine the feeling I got when she said, "by the



way... I have a sister, too. Pick up the phone and Eucalyptus real soon."



I didn't have to mull berry hard over that offer.



I said, "Oak ay"



It was tremendous.



It all goes to show, if at first you don't succeed, ply ply again.



(Performed by Biff Simpson, 1994)