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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
Bad Jokes


IN THE ICU
 
A nurse approached an ICU bed where a man lay with an oxygen mask over his face.  She said, "I'm here to wash your face and hands."
 
She heard the man say, "Are my testicles black?"
 
Taken aback, she replied, "Sir, I am just here to wash your face and hands."
 
Again, she heard him say, "Are my testicles black?"
 
She turned red, left the room and complained to the head nurse.  The head nurse came in the room and asked what the problem was.  Again the man was heard to say, "Are my testicles black?"
 
The head nurse would have none of that.  She threw back the covers, pulled down the man's pants, took a look, pulled the pants back up and recovered him, saying, "No, your testicles are not black!!  They're fine!!"
 
The man slowly reached up and removed his oxygen mask and repeated his question, "Are my test results back?"
 

TEXAS MIDGET

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and he reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

Doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

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A whiz-bang yuppie MBA goes on vacation to the Australian outback. In his travels he comes across a sheep herder with a huge flock. He stops his car, approaches the shepherd and introduces himself. Always looking to show off his MBA skills, the yuppie bets the shepherd he could determine exactly how many sheep are in the flock. If he is right, the yuppie gets one sheep. The shepherd agrees.

The yuppie goes back to his car, fires up his GPS, laptop and cell phone. Gets a detailed satellite picture of their exact location, downloads the picture and uses grid technology to count the exact number of sheep. After

only a few minutes the yuppie walks up to the shepherd and tells him he has 3,766 sheep. The shepherd confirms the number and the proud yuppie loads an animal into his car. Before the yuppie can drive away the shepherd approaches the car and offers to bet him double or nothing that he could guess the yuppie's profession. The yuppie agrees. The shepherd tells him that he is a consultant. The amazed yuppie confirms this and asks the shepherd how he knew.

The shepherd replies: "You showed the three tell tale signs of all consultants. First, you showed up here without being asked or invited. Second, I paid you to tell me something I already knew. Last, you don't know shit about my business cuz you just put my dog in your car."

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PEGGY SUE

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!"
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A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.
The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell, the Falcons must have won the Super Bowl!"

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LETTER FROM SANTA

From Santa:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few ifferences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

THE TEXAS BABY

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds," Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" is heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, Seventeen pounds. The bartender is puzzled, concerned. Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

THE LATE OSAMA

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees. Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.

What did you think I said?"

THE KNOB
A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."