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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
Focus Group

Scene opens with four people sitting around a table to stage right and
another table with four bottles at stage left. Two people with white lab
coats stand behind the second table.

Moderator: Welcome to the annual Bolt Cola marketing focus group
meeting. Last quarter we heard the market research
reports which showed that the public craves a beverage
which can give them an extra, shall we say, lift to get
them through their busy days. We are now ready for the
report from Research and development on just how we might
improve Bolt Cola to give maximum lift to our public.
Nods to the people standing at the second table.

(Polite applause from those sitting)

Researcher #1: Thank-you. I would like to begin our presentation by
reminding the panel that Bolt Cola has always prided
itself by being the carbonated beverage with the highest
caffeine level in the industry. My associate here is
testament to that as she regularly consumes four cases of
Bolt per day. Isnt that right?

Researcher #2: (Talks very fast) Thats right I drink bolt all day long I
have some when I get up and more after my shower and some
more before I go to work so I make the one hour commute in
three minutes and get started on my second case by ten
oclock of course thats after my fourth bathroom break...

Researcher #1: (interrupts) Thats fine. Its good to see an employee
who really (stresses) really uses our product.
(Researcher #2 continues talking to him/herself) But, of
course we knew there was room for improvement. We found
that if we brewed coffee using Bolt Cola and re-carbonated
it, we got new Bolt Caffecino. (Holds up bottle and calls
offstage) Harry! Could you come out here? (Addresses the
panel again) Harry has been using, er, drinking Bolt
Caffecino for two weeks now.

Harry: (comes on stage, eyes wide open and gesturing wildly) Boy!
This stuff is great I read War and Peace while I was in
the bathroom this morning, took my two week vacation
yesterday and got over the 24 hour flu in 22 seconds not
only that but I...

Researcher #1: (interrupts while Harry and researcher #1 talk among
themselves, oblivious of the others in the room) Thats
great, Harry. Of course, this only whetted our appetite
for more. We added chocolate and three pounds of sugar to
each bottle and got Bolt Super Cola (holds up another
bottle). Susan is living proof of the success of Bolt
Super. After having just a six-pack of it this morning,
she has already balanced next years budget, written three
hit songs with the Rolling Stones, done three world tours
and cured cancer. Sue?

Sue: (she runs in, stops and looks at the audience. She has two
enormous eyes - makeup or fake glasses to make for 3"
diameter eyes) Hi gotta go. (She runs off)

Researcher #1: Finally (Sue runs by again), we added one last ingredient
and have our ultimate product. Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you (holds up large bottle) Bolt Ultra (wild
applause). (Sue runs by again while researcher #2 and
Harry continue their animated babbling) In just a moment,
a victim... er volunteer will drink a single bottle of
Bolt Ultra and demonstrate the effect of the ultimate
beverage. (Calls offstage) Ready when you are!

(Sound effects of glug-glug-glug, a bomb going off, and the boing of a

Voice offstage: Oh, wow. Hes stuck to the ceiling.

Panelist: What exactly was in Bolt Ultra?

Researcher #1: Viagra

All panelists: (looking at each other) Over the line.

Researcher #1: Okay. So we go with Bolt Super

All panelists: Agreed.