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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
Hollywood Mall-Mart

Scene opens with a person in a blue vest greeting people as they
walk by. The person stops a shopper as she/he walks by.

Greeter: Welcome to Hollywood Mal-Mart. Here you can find
your hopes and your aspirations as well as your auto
supplies, cheap shoes and incontinence needs.

Customer: What in heavens name are you talking about?

Greeter: Oh, you must be new in town. Most actors and
actresses in Hollywood work at retail stores while
theyre waiting to be discovered. It pays the bills
and, well, directors and producers have to shop too.
You never know who is a movie mogul and who is (looks
disgustedly at the customer) just a customer.
(Greeter puts a stick of gum in his/her mouth and
folds arms in a nonchalant sort of way).

Customer: Well, could you direct me to the photo booth? I need
to drop off some film while I shop.
(The greeter rolls eyes and points to the other side of the stage
to a counter)

Sales #1: (to second salesperson) Okay, you can take your break
now. Ill take the booth.

Sales #2: (in a Jack Nicholson voice) The booth? You cant
handle the booth. (Sees the approaching customer)
Yes sir?

Cust #1: Id just like to drop off this film for one hour
processing, please. (The salesman nods ok) And
could you direct me to the restroom?

Sales #2: (points off-stage) Heres Johnny...

(customer #1 exits as customer #2 walks on stage, crossing to a
second counter.)

Cust#2: Excuse me... Do you have those three hair dryers that
were in the Sunday flyer?

Sales #3: (Grabs a hair dryer in one hand and speaks in a Clint
Eastwood voice) I know what youre thinking punk.
Does he have three dryers or just one. Well, you
know, in all this excitement I sorta forgot myself.
But seein this is the Ultramax 44, the most powerful
dryer in the world and can blow your wig clean off,
you gotta ask yourself, Do you feel lucky, punk?
(Grabs customer by the collar) Well, do ya?

Cust #2: Okay. Ill take it.

(Customer #1 re-enters, shaking his/her hands as if to dry them
and walks to another counter, dropping a package)

Sales #4: (picks up the package, spins around looking for the
customer and yells in a Jerry Lewis voice) Hey, lady!
(The salesperson looks into the package, makes a
face, and runs out)

Cust #1: Can you tell me how to get to garden supplies?

Sales #5: (in a Sylvester Stallone voice) Abso-lootely!

Cust #1: And can you tell me how late youre open tonight?

Sales #5: (looks quizzically and shouts off-stage) Yo, Adrian!

(Customer #2 returns and walks to the opposite counter,
accidently bumping into a salesperson on the way)

Cust #2: Oh, Im sorry.

Sales #6: (In a sultry voice) Thats all right. Love means you
never have to say youre sorry.

(Greeter steps up to center stage and addresses the audience,
holding up a sign which reads $2.97)

Greeter: Welcome to Hollywood Mal-Mart. Here you can find
your hopes and your aspirations... and all at Mall-
Mart prices. (Part of the sign falls away, changing
the price to $2.47)

LIGHTS