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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
The Pollsters

The scene opens at a mall, where two people carrying clipboards approach one another from stage left and right. Each is wearing disheveled office wear (tie not quite tied right, shirt mostly tucked in, etc.) The first yells offstage to an unknown person.

Pollster #1: Thats okay, we dont need your opinion anyway!
(To the other pollster) Man, this job sucks.

Pollster #2: I know what you mean. Like, youd think that
people would be flattered that wed ask their opinions, but no.

Pollster #1: Yeah. And its not like theyre doing it for free anyway. They get these free trial size deodorants.

Pollster #2: Yeah. Sometimes that even gets them mad. I
mean, all I say is, Here, you might need this... and they get hyper.

Pollster #1: What time is it?

Pollster #2: About half past one.

Pollster #1: Oh, man. Weve still got almost four hours left. I'm so bored, I don't think Ill make it.

Pollster #2: Wait a minute. Ive got an idea. (#1 looks at him/her with interest) We have to ask all of the questions on this list, right?

Pollster #1: Right.

Pollster #2: But they never told us that we couldn't ask more questions, did they?

(They both pause three seconds, smile at each other, point at each other, turn around and begin making motions as if they were writing feverishly. Two people walk on stage from opposite sides. Both pollsters simultaneously ask their initial questions)

Pollsters#1/#2: Excuse me, but we need your opinion on a few things. Do you have a minute to answer some important questions. We will be happy to give you a free sample of our product in return for your time.

Customers: Sure.

(The pollsters turn to each other and give the thumbs up)

Pollsters#1/#2: Do you use a roll-on, stick or spray anti-perspirant?

Customers: Spray.

Pollsters#1/#2: Are you more likely to purchase an antiperspirant from a drug store, convenience store or department store?

Customers: Drug store.

(The pollsters look at each other. #1 nods to #2 as if to say, after you)

Pollster #2: Do you use an antiperspirant on a daily, monthly or yearly basis?

Customer #2: What? Er... daily.

(Pollster #2 looks at #1 and nods)

Pollster #1: What antiperspirant fragrance would you find most attractive? Musk, fruit or Shaq?

Customer #1: I really don't care for any of those.

Pollster #1: Im sorry, but these are the only choices.

Customer #1: (starts to say, Fruit, but corrects himself to say) Musk.

Pollster #2: Are you affected by flatulance once a day, once an hour or once a minute?

Customer #2: Now, really?

Pollster #2: We are almost done...

Customer #2: (quietly) Once a minute.

Pollster #2: I beg your pardon?

Customer #2: (loudly) Once a minute! If you must know, I pass gas each and every minute of every single day!!!

Pollster #2: (quietly and curtly) Thank-you.

Pollster #1: Do you currently have clean underwear on?

Customer #1: Now really...

Pollster #1: Do you smoke cigars?

Pollster #2: Have you ever dated any of the following: Tommy Lee, Rob Lowe, Bill Clinton or Marv Albert?

(Both customers run away screaming...)

Pollsters#1/#2: (making a slam-dunk motion) Yessss.

(Two new people enter from opposite ends of the stage. Both
pollsters walk up to the newcomers with a smile on their face and a quickness of step.)

LIGHTS