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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
The Fountains of Mel

Scene opens with two people standing and gesturing toward the left rear of the stage.

Tourist 1: Oooh... The great pyramid. Isn't it magnificient?

Tourist 2: Yeah. It's too bad that of all the seven wonders of the world, it's the only one left.

(A dumpy looking man approaches.)

Sal: Errr. Not quite.

Tourist 1: I beg your pardon.

Sal: Not quite. There is one other great wonder of the
world which is still standing.

Tourist 2:But it says right here in this brochure that, of all of the seven wonders of the world, all have been destroyed except the great pyramid.

Sal:Except that there were eight wonders of the world.

Tourist 1: And the eighth wonder might be...

Sal:Err... The fountains of Mel.

Tourist 2: What are the fountains of Mel.

Sal:The fountains of Mel are a recently discovered natural wonder of incredible beauty in Passaic, NJ. Here. I just happen to have a couple of brochures.

(Hands the brochures to the two tourists)

Tourist 1: And you are?

Sal:Sal Jones of Mel's tours, Inc. Pleased to meet you. Here's my card.

Tourist 2: This card has Mel's Towing' scratched out and Mel's Tours' written over it.

Sal:Both are part of Mel's International' a multicorporate, international organization based in Passaic.

Tourist 1: Okay. I'll play the game. Exactly what are the fountains of Mel?

Sal:The fountains of Mel are naturally occuring edifices by which the Mesopotamian emperor Mel build his celestial summer palace in Passaic.

Tourist 2: But all of the other wonders were man-made.

Sal:Err... These naturally occuring edifices were meticulously hewn from their native surroundings in Gonwandaland, transported to Passaic and reassembled.

Tourist 1: Is the building in the background the palace of Mel?

Sal:(proudly) Yes, it is.

Tourist 1: Why do I see the words, "Passaic City Hall" etched over the door?

Sal:A lot of people make that mistake. Passaic City Hall', loosely translated is actually, err... Mesopotamian for Beautiful palace built by the fountains'

Tourist 2: Who is the man standing in the foreground in this picture?

Sal:That's my brother.

Tourist 1: I hate to ask, but what is his name?


Tourist 2: Lets go.

Tourist 1: No. I want to hear this. (turning to Sal) And exactly how could we tour these fountains?

Sal:I'm glad you asked me that. Mel's Tours offers a glorious four day, two night dream vacation package to Passaic.

Tourist 2: Four days and two nights? Where are we supposed to spend the third night?

Sal:Most people lose at least one night in Atlantic city. Or you could spend a night here. (Hands her another card)

Tourist 2: Mel's Motel 6 and Convention Center?'

(Sal nods in approval)

Tourist 1: (turns to other tourist) You're right! We're outta here!

Sal:Only a modest down payment of $49.95 will speed you on your way!

(The tourists gesture for Sal to go away as they exit)

Sal:Could I interest you in the Falling Gardens of Ramona?

(Two more tourists enter)

Tourist 3:Wow! The great pyramid! The last great wonder of the world.

Sal:(Walking over to the newcomers) Not quite.


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