Make your own free website on Tripod.com
Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
The Fountains of Mel

Scene opens with two people standing and gesturing toward the left rear of the stage.

Tourist 1: Oooh... The great pyramid. Isn't it magnificient?

Tourist 2: Yeah. It's too bad that of all the seven wonders of the world, it's the only one left.

(A dumpy looking man approaches.)

Sal: Errr. Not quite.

Tourist 1: I beg your pardon.

Sal: Not quite. There is one other great wonder of the
world which is still standing.

Tourist 2:But it says right here in this brochure that, of all of the seven wonders of the world, all have been destroyed except the great pyramid.

Sal:Except that there were eight wonders of the world.

Tourist 1: And the eighth wonder might be...

Sal:Err... The fountains of Mel.

Tourist 2: What are the fountains of Mel.

Sal:The fountains of Mel are a recently discovered natural wonder of incredible beauty in Passaic, NJ. Here. I just happen to have a couple of brochures.

(Hands the brochures to the two tourists)

Tourist 1: And you are?

Sal:Sal Jones of Mel's tours, Inc. Pleased to meet you. Here's my card.

Tourist 2: This card has Mel's Towing' scratched out and Mel's Tours' written over it.

Sal:Both are part of Mel's International' a multicorporate, international organization based in Passaic.

Tourist 1: Okay. I'll play the game. Exactly what are the fountains of Mel?

Sal:The fountains of Mel are naturally occuring edifices by which the ..er.. Mesopotamian emperor Mel build his celestial summer palace in Passaic.

Tourist 2: But all of the other wonders were man-made.

Sal:Err... These naturally occuring edifices were meticulously hewn from their native surroundings in Gonwandaland, transported to Passaic and reassembled.

Tourist 1: Is the building in the background the palace of Mel?

Sal:(proudly) Yes, it is.

Tourist 1: Why do I see the words, "Passaic City Hall" etched over the door?

Sal:A lot of people make that mistake. Passaic City Hall', loosely translated is actually, err... Mesopotamian for Beautiful palace built by the fountains'

Tourist 2: Who is the man standing in the foreground in this picture?

Sal:That's my brother.

Tourist 1: I hate to ask, but what is his name?

Sal:Mel.

Tourist 2: Lets go.

Tourist 1: No. I want to hear this. (turning to Sal) And exactly how could we tour these fountains?

Sal:I'm glad you asked me that. Mel's Tours offers a glorious four day, two night dream vacation package to Passaic.

Tourist 2: Four days and two nights? Where are we supposed to spend the third night?

Sal:Most people lose at least one night in Atlantic city. Or you could spend a night here. (Hands her another card)

Tourist 2: Mel's Motel 6 and Convention Center?'

(Sal nods in approval)

Tourist 1: (turns to other tourist) You're right! We're outta here!

Sal:Only a modest down payment of $49.95 will speed you on your way!

(The tourists gesture for Sal to go away as they exit)

Sal:Could I interest you in the Falling Gardens of Ramona?

(Two more tourists enter)

Tourist 3:Wow! The great pyramid! The last great wonder of the world.

Sal:(Walking over to the newcomers) Not quite.

(LIGHTS)

Enter supporting content here