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Scene opens at a typical office with a desk and two chairs. The telephone rings.
Snelling: Snelling and Snelling restaurant consultants. John Snelling speaking. Yes, Chef Prudhomme. Well, Im glad
to have been of service to you. Yes, that will be fine. Good-day. There is a knock at the door)
Snelling: Come in.
A nattily dressed, but seemingly depressed man walks in, shaking his head.
Snelling: Mr. Minella, I have been expecting you. Please come in.
Minella: Thank-you for seeing me on such short notice. You come highly recommended and I am at my wits end.
Snelling: Lets see if I can live up to your expectations. (Picks up a folder) So, what can we do for you.
Minella: Well, you see, I have a restaurant in the highlands area of town, well-to-do clientelle, and am near several
outstanding restaurants. I have an excellent waitstaff, reasonable prices and plenty of free parking.
Snelling: Sounds good so far. So whats the problem?
Minella: I have no customers. Well, thats not quite true: I do have a lot of walk-in traffic, but I dont have any repeat
diners.
Snelling: When you say, No repeat diners, do you mean...
Minella: I mean none. No one who has ever eaten at my restaurant has ever returned.
Pause
Snelling: (whistles) Well, it does look like weve got some work to do here. Well, lets start with the name.
Minella: The name?
Snelling: Yes. What is your restaurant called?
Minella: Well, I named it after myself, Sal Minellas
Snelling: I can see a potential problem right there. Have you thought about naming it something, er, simpler.
(Fumbles for an idea). How about Sals or Salvadors?
Minella: Well... if you think so.
Snelling: Oh, I do. Trust me, I do. Okay, tell me about the atmosphere. What type of motif is the interior.
Minella: Im very proud of this. I had the entire inside redone, new carpets, expensive chandeliers, new sound
system, the works. Even the pictures on the wall have a food theme.
Snelling: Oh, really. How so?
Minella: It was my wifes idea. Since the restaurant serves
food, we thought: why not hang pictures of famous
people associated with food and dining?
Snelling: Such as?
Minella: Lucretia Borgia, George Bush, Cass Elliot...
Snelling: (interrupting) I get the idea. (Fumbling for ideas
once again) You know, Mr. Minella.
Minella: Call me Sal.
Snelling: You know, Sal, you rarely find a personality, no matter
how admirable, that everyone likes. Perhaps pictures
of wheat fields, vinyards... places might be better.
Still a food motif in keeping with your excellent idea.
Minella: Good idea. Ill do it.
Snelling: Im so glad. Now, lets discuss the food.
Minella: Yes, lets. Im very proud of our most unusual cuisine.
Snelling: I hate to ask, but How unusual?
Minella: Well, youve undoubtedly heard about multi-cultural
restaurants?
Snelling: Of course. Like Chinese/Polynesian, Italian/American
and Tex/Mex?
Minella: Yes, except everyone is doing those combinations.
Snelling: And your combination is...?
Minella: Eskimo/Italian.
Snelling: (puts his hand over his mouth) Eskimo/Italian?
Minella: Yes.
Snelling: (to himself: Well, it IS a job) What exactly are some
examples of Eskimo/Italian food?
Minella: Walrus manicotti, cheese and penguin pizza, blubber
lasagna, and my favorite, seal parmesian. And theres
more...
Snelling: No, quite all right. I get the picture.
Minella: No really, I just have to tell you about the desserts.
Snelling: (bending over slightly, arms folded on his lap) If you
must...
Minella: Although we have an all-crisco pastry cart, we
specialize in home made ice cream. Go ahead, just ask
me what some of our custom flavors are...
Snelling: (inflating a paper bag) Im ready.
Minella: Just some of the flavors include Pine sherbet, frozen
meatball yogurt and toothpaste and orange juice twist.
Snelling: (composing himself) Tell me, Sal. Just wondering.
Have you ever run a restaurant before?
Minella: Of course. I managed a Chinese restaurant near Times
Square in New York right next to a famous broadway
play.
Snelling: And how did that Chinese restaurant do?
Minella: Strangely enough, it closed after only eight weeks.
Snelling: Did the play close, too?
Minella: No, it is the longest running play in Broadway history.
Snelling: You dont mean....
Minella: Yes. The play was Cats
(Lights)
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