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Biff Simpson's Stoopid Web Site
The Restaurant Consultant

Scene opens at a typical office with a desk and two chairs. The telephone rings.

Snelling: Snelling and Snelling restaurant consultants. John Snelling speaking. Yes, Chef Prudhomme. Well, Im glad to have been of service to you. Yes, that will be fine. Good-day. There is a knock at the door)

Snelling: Come in.

A nattily dressed, but seemingly depressed man walks in, shaking his head.

Snelling: Mr. Minella, I have been expecting you. Please come in.

Minella: Thank-you for seeing me on such short notice. You come highly recommended and I am at my wits end.

Snelling: Lets see if I can live up to your expectations. (Picks up a folder) So, what can we do for you.

Minella: Well, you see, I have a restaurant in the highlands area of town, well-to-do clientelle, and am near several outstanding restaurants. I have an excellent waitstaff, reasonable prices and plenty of free parking.

Snelling: Sounds good so far. So whats the problem?

Minella: I have no customers. Well, thats not quite true: I do have a lot of walk-in traffic, but I dont have any repeat diners.

Snelling: When you say, No repeat diners, do you mean...

Minella: I mean none. No one who has ever eaten at my restaurant has ever returned.

Pause

Snelling: (whistles) Well, it does look like weve got some work to do here. Well, lets start with the name.

Minella: The name?

Snelling: Yes. What is your restaurant called?

Minella: Well, I named it after myself, Sal Minellas

Snelling: I can see a potential problem right there. Have you thought about naming it something, er, simpler. (Fumbles for an idea). How about Sals or Salvadors?

Minella: Well... if you think so.

Snelling: Oh, I do. Trust me, I do. Okay, tell me about the atmosphere. What type of motif is the interior.

Minella: Im very proud of this. I had the entire inside redone, new carpets, expensive chandeliers, new sound system, the works. Even the pictures on the wall have a food theme.
Snelling: Oh, really. How so?

Minella: It was my wifes idea. Since the restaurant serves
food, we thought: why not hang pictures of famous
people associated with food and dining?

Snelling: Such as?

Minella: Lucretia Borgia, George Bush, Cass Elliot...

Snelling: (interrupting) I get the idea. (Fumbling for ideas
once again) You know, Mr. Minella.

Minella: Call me Sal.

Snelling: You know, Sal, you rarely find a personality, no matter
how admirable, that everyone likes. Perhaps pictures
of wheat fields, vinyards... places might be better.
Still a food motif in keeping with your excellent idea.

Minella: Good idea. Ill do it.

Snelling: Im so glad. Now, lets discuss the food.

Minella: Yes, lets. Im very proud of our most unusual cuisine.

Snelling: I hate to ask, but How unusual?

Minella: Well, youve undoubtedly heard about multi-cultural
restaurants?

Snelling: Of course. Like Chinese/Polynesian, Italian/American
and Tex/Mex?

Minella: Yes, except everyone is doing those combinations.

Snelling: And your combination is...?

Minella: Eskimo/Italian.

Snelling: (puts his hand over his mouth) Eskimo/Italian?

Minella: Yes.

Snelling: (to himself: Well, it IS a job) What exactly are some
examples of Eskimo/Italian food?

Minella: Walrus manicotti, cheese and penguin pizza, blubber
lasagna, and my favorite, seal parmesian. And theres
more...

Snelling: No, quite all right. I get the picture.

Minella: No really, I just have to tell you about the desserts.

Snelling: (bending over slightly, arms folded on his lap) If you
must...

Minella: Although we have an all-crisco pastry cart, we
specialize in home made ice cream. Go ahead, just ask
me what some of our custom flavors are...

Snelling: (inflating a paper bag) Im ready.

Minella: Just some of the flavors include Pine sherbet, frozen
meatball yogurt and toothpaste and orange juice twist.

Snelling: (composing himself) Tell me, Sal. Just wondering.
Have you ever run a restaurant before?

Minella: Of course. I managed a Chinese restaurant near Times
Square in New York right next to a famous broadway
play.

Snelling: And how did that Chinese restaurant do?

Minella: Strangely enough, it closed after only eight weeks.

Snelling: Did the play close, too?

Minella: No, it is the longest running play in Broadway history.

Snelling: You dont mean....

Minella: Yes. The play was Cats

(Lights)

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